I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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