guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize