I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
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