Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
He's doing his thing where I don't know if he's alive until three in the afternoon so idk
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Our first kiss happened while shot gunning a hit from a gravity bong. Its that type of relationship.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
