The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
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