dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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