Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
OMFG. JUST WALKED IN ON A DUDE JERKING IT IN THE MCDONALDS BATHROOM
Stall or urinal?
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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