Hey look on the bright side if youre preg at least you know it and wont have it in a toilet
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
Randomize
