If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
Randomize
