Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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