highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I really love her but I don't think I can go the rest of my life without anal.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Randomize
