True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I need to mount that unicorn and turn him into a full blown steed.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
Randomize
