i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
