K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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