Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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