The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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