My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
It went from "haha, this will be funny" to "full blown anime porn fetish"
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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