I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize