i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
Randomize
