The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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