Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
I could tell you were slightly drunk by the time you started having a conversation with my tiki torch
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
The Olympian is in my bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Randomize
