OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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