my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
I'm actually really happy I can say that my first body shot was out of a gay strippers massively ripped chest
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
Any who, I expect to be showered with roses apon my arrival
How about beer and nachos?
A fine substitute!
Randomize
