U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
