The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
