I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I went from naked with lasts nights hookup to Ihop in 6 minutes flat
I think that's a new house record
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
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