Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
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