There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Blame the bisexuality and move on?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
He woke up from being passed out on the couch mumbled something that sounded like "Taco" then proceeded to the bathroom only to pass out again, I think we need to learn how to party like him!
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
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