Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
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