And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
