Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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