No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
first reaction to dying the pubes purple - awesome. Reaction after I explain the process - not awesome. Hypothesis? when girls find out you know to bleach and dye your hair, they're turned off.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
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