I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
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