My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Randomize
