I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
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