Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
Randomize
