I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
