She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
