Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
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