i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I wish my penis had an off switch
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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