Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
that was a gay-test. you passed.
with flying rainbow colors i hope!
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
