He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
