The maid of honor just puked.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
