i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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