I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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