i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
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