I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
