The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Randomize
