im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
