Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
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