the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
How does it feel to date your dad?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
