it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
