When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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