My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Randomize
