He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
