i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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