Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
