U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
