you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
