I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
