I need to stop coming to work sober
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Randomize
