At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
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truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
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Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
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