My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Randomize
